The Time Traveler (Re-Write)
Note: This pasta was originally deleted for using a profane word too much. However, here's a different version of the pasta. Bob was having a normal day in his room thinking of unicorns destroying the world when all of a sudden, a guy in a metal suit appeared in his room. Bob jumped back in terror and started firing a machine gun out the window, killing 6 people in the process. The man said "I'm from the future." After Bob ate an entire bottle of pills including the container they were in, he calmed down. However, he died of an overdose of pills only to magically come back to life for a reason which I'm too lazy to explain right now. Bob asked the guy in the metal suit "What year are you from?" The guy said "I'm from 2048." "Well, fuck me sideways," said Bob. "That's not too far into the future." The guy said "Hey, fuck you. It's not my fault my parents fucked when they did." Bob said "Sorry" as he finished cutting the head off some random guy he kidnapped the night before. Both of them looked at each other for a few hours without saying anything. Eventually, Bob said "So, why did you come here?" The guy said "In the year 2033, someone is going to release a deadly virus and wipe out all life on the planet." Bob said "Oh, I see. You picked me to help find the guy, right?" The guy said "Yes, I'm looking for a guy named Bob. He's supposed to live around here. Do you know him?" Bob started peeing his pants until the room was half full of pee. The guy opened up the door to let the pee drain out. 4 people were washed away and killed in the pee flood. Bob then pointed to some random guy out the window and said "That guy is named Bob." The guy then pulled out some weird-ass futuristic gun which Bob had never seen before, pointed it at the guy, and fired it. A plasma beam of light shot at him. When it hit him, he blew up. His internal organs were like all over the place. "Thanks," the guy said. Sudenly, the kid's mother walkd out the door and yelled "Henry, no!" The guy then said "Wait, I thought you said his name was Bob." Bob said "Oh, it is. Henry is just his nickname." Suddenly, Henry's mother yelled "No it isn't Bob you fucking idiot." Bob yelled "Shut up, bitch!", pulled out a gun, and shot her dead. The guy said "Why did she call you Bob? Did you just lie to me?" Bob said "No, I didn't. That lady is just kind of stupid." Suddenly, her husband walked out and said "No she's not you cunt. She's much smarter than you considering that you dropped out of preschool with a 0.0 GPA." Bob yelled "My GPA was a 0.01 dipshit!" before shooting him dead as well. The guy said "You better not be llying to me." Bob said "I'm not lying to you. That guy was named Bob. Suddenly, 4 of Henry's friends walked over to his dead body and said "Shit. Someone just killed Henry." They then yelled to Bob "Bob, did you see what happened to him?" Bob fired a RPG at them, killing all 4 of them. Bob looked back at the guy to see him looking around his room in an attempt to find out what his name was. The only place where you could find out Bob's name was a sign which read "Bob's Room" by his bed. Bob quickly took the sign down and hid it behind his back. Once he did so, however, the guy saw him. He said "What are you hiding behind your back?" Bob said "Nothing." The guy said "Well, if it's nothing, let me see it." Bob said "I don't think you'll like what you see." The guy said "Well, if it's nothing, it won't matter what it is." Bob said "Actually, I take that place. It is something." The guy said "Well, why don't you describe what it is then if you do't want me to see it." Bob said "Sure. It's a...uh...a...um...it's like a...a...a thing. A dangerous thing. Yeah. If I show it to people who can travel in time, it makes their heads blow up or something. I don't fucking know, alright." The guy said "So, what you're saying is that if you show it to me, it'll make my head blow up." Bob said "Yeah." The guy said "Well, I have faith that it won't hurt me. I really think that you should show it to me now." Bob said "But it will kill you." The guy said "Give it to me or else I'll pry it out of your fucking hands." Bob said "You don't understand. It will kill you." The guy said "It looks like I'm going to have to take it away from you." The guy started reaching towards Bob, but Bob grabbed a knife and stabbed him in the neck with it, causing him to fall on the ground. He then took the sign and ran out of his room. The guy used magical dust to heal his wound and pursued Bob. Bob tried hiding in an eggshell, but the guy cracked it open, causing him to fall out of it. Before he could kill him, Bob jumped out the window. Bob found some random guy and decided to use him as a shield. The guy kept on firing at Bob, but he kept hitting the person Bob was using as a shield instead. Eventually, Bob jumped off a bridge and swam away. When he got to shore, he saw that the guy he used as a shield was riddled with bullet holes. He put his dead body on the grass and ran away. Meanwhile, the guy was pissed off at Bob for outsmarting him. He was sitting on a bench, quietly muttering about how pissed off he was. A kid walked over to him and said "Are you alrght?" The guy screamed "No!" a him before blowing his head off with a shotgun. The guy then decided to use a detector to locate him. He saw that he was located several blocks away. However, the guy started to grow hungry. He shot and killed someone operating a snack bar and stole some of the food he was selling. Later, Bob snuck into a rock concert. He assumed that the guy wouldn't be able to find him in the middle of all of those people. The guy then arrived to the concert and started searching for him. One person walked up to him and said "Dude, what's with that retarded-ass metal suit?" The guy said "What's with your blood staining that shirt?" before shooting him dead. Bob heard the gunfire, so he looked back to find that the guy was getting closer to him. Bob had to escape the concert. One fan said "Stop running, dipshit." as a mean joke. Bob then said "Stop bleeding, dipshit." before shooting him dead. The guy heard the gunfire, so he raced towards Bob. He then caught up to him and pinned him down. Dozens of people were surrounding them. They were encouraging them to fight. The guy tried shooting at Bob, but Bob ducked, causing the bullet to hit a propane tank, making it explode, killing 27 people in the process. Eventually, Bob got the upper hand and started choking him. However, the guy grabbed his plasma ray gun and tried firing it as Bob, but Bob pointed it at the audience, causing it to fire several times, killing 5 people. Eventually, both of them ran out of bullets. Bob shoved the guy off of him and flew away (he can fly apparently). The guy screamed "Fuck!", ripped the head off some random guy by him in a fit of rage, and flew after him. Bob hid in an abandoned warehouse. Suddenly, the guy jumped on top of him. Bob punched him in the face, causing him to fall on the ground. They then picked up guns and pointed them at each other, creating a Mexican standoff. Bob said "You're going to die, you know." The guy said "I was just about to say the same thing to you." Bob said "Why are you doing this, anyways? How do you know that i'm going to create a virus, anyways?" The guy said "We know that you're going to do it." Bob said "Well, what's your evidence?" The guy said "Oh, we have a ton of evidence." Bob said "Name me one piece of evidence you collected." The guy said "Sure thing. After the virus started to take its toll, we went to where the virus originated, took everyone's name who lived in a 10-mile radius of that area, put them in a jar, and drew a random name out. We happened to pick yours." Bob said "What the fuck? You call that evidence? You really a retarded piece of shit, you know that?" The guy said "What the hell is wrong with that solid piece of evidence." Bob said "If you want to find a criminal, you don't just pick someone's name at random. That's not going to help you find a criminal you goddamn idiot." The guy said "Well, that's how we catch all criminals. Every time a crime takes place, we find somene random, and kill them. No questions asked. it's a pretty effective method in my opinion, because we're bound to catch the criminal one of these days. This way, we don't have to waste time by setting up courts. Not to mention that this also helps with population control. Also, so we don't have to worry about jail sentences, every crime is punishable by death. If you kill someone, you're going to be sentenced to death. If you slap a cop, you're going to be sentenced to death. If a 4-year-old steals a candy bar, his sentence is death." Bob said "That's a horrible way of dealing with criminals. You're justice system is basically prosecuting random people." The guy said "Well, you're stupid so there." Bob said "That's not a rebuttal to my arguments you moron." The guy said "Well, you're stupid so there." Bob said "You're now pathetically using insults since you know that you're wrong." The guy said "Well, you're stupid so there." Bob said "Is this how you deal with all of your problems?" The guy said "Yes, it is. Look at this criminal I killed." The guy puled out his iPhone 297, and showed Bob a video. ... (the guy knocks on door) (man answers) Man: Hello? The Guy: You have been convicted of murder. Man: Are you fucking kidding me? I didn't murder anyone. The Guy: Well, you're stupid so there. Man: What the fuck is your problem? I just told you that I didn't murder anyone. The Guy: Well, you're stupid so there. Man: What evidence you have that shows I murdered someone? The Guy: Well, you're stupid so there. Man: You better pull your head out of your ass right this instant. This entire justice system is complete shit. None of you ever have any evidence to convict people of crimes. All you guys do is pick someone at random, knock on their door, call them "stupid" several times, and kill them. The Guy: Well, you're stupid so there. Man: You fucker! Don't you dare try to kill me. I will not allow myself to be killed as a result of this stupid government. The Guy: Well, you're stupid so there. Man: You sick fuck. You have no right to rule like this. This entire system is awful, and I wish death to everybody who supports it, honestly. The Guy: I carefully analyzed each of your responses, and through an intricate process involving scientific research and complex forensics, I determined that you did commit the murder. Goodbye. (the guy points gun at man's head) Man: Fuck you! (the guy shoots man dead) ... Bob said "You prick! I won't allow you to murder anyone else." The Guy: Well, you're stupid so there. Bob then shot the guy in the face and killed him. However, Bob was disgusted by the law system that the man lived in. He took his time helmet and decided to go to his time period, so he could kill as many government officials as possible. Another masterpiece written by: BrianBerta Category:BCP Category:Pastas Category:Serial Killers (Not Jeff) Category:Masterpieces by BrianBerta